My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
