I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
