mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
