I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
