My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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