a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
