i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We have started to decorate penises.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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