I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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