OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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