I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Are we still banned from the library?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
