The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
