I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
