I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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