Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
