I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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