The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
