He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
