I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
