Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
