I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
