Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My vagina just recognized that song.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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