Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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