Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
