i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
as a side note pls kill me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
