12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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