So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
