atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The air was thick with penises
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
