Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
