can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
