Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
