even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
