god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
