If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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