I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
