At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
