i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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