I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
