Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
