I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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