I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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