Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
