So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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