I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
