If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
