they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
