you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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