You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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