I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
