I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
