how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
