but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You made out with two different species that night
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
