I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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