and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You made out with two different species that night
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
