Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
