I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
