I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
