Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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